Posts Tagged ‘My Realisms’

too much

My neighbor “Eston” died today……and im sooo emotional about it.  To top it all off  one of my girls (irene) at work was put on hospice care today.  When i walked into work and saw her slumped in the “blue chair”…..i lost it…..my emotions got the best of me.  IM MAD AT GOD TODAY….i dont understand!!!

What is the purpose of living if the end result is dying….oh god that sounded sooo stupid.  I guess im ticked…..i want a say in when….and how i die.  I’ve been raised to NEVER question Gods will.  BUT TODAY IM SCREAMING  “WHY”!!!!!!!!!!  I think maybe ive been around tooo much death….too much suffering….too much misery.  Im feining for light…for warmth….for the sun.  I NEED THE SUN TONIGHT!       JRN

the good…the bad…and the pigs

“all men are pigs….which i am the biggest one!” 

My friend who’s been through hell, was trying to give me “manly” advice!  His comment offended me to NO end.  I reminded him that he had three boys. I then immediately asked if he could say the same for them.  He retorted that he was trying to raise them NOT to fit the mold, but that some things are inevitable.  I refuse to believe that my boys are or will ever be “pigs”.  i also refuse to believe that “all men”  are pigs.  I have met tooo many “golden” men.  Mark being one of them……i am amazed at his view of himself.  Its true he’s made mistakes…costly mistakes…but to look at the core of who he is and what he’s about  is like seeing a whole other side.  I guess i really believe that all men are “good” or at least they begin life that way……

 …some (rise above and strive to) remain good…..some (suffer because of hurts) become bad……and some choose to be pigs.  -jrn

10 YEARS LATER

He’s been going through my old journals, notes and poetry.  I guess looking to find proof of something?????  SO….my curiosity has been peaked, and i decided to drudge through some of the “old stuff” myself.  The following is a “majority” of my thoughts that he found:

MAY 9, 1999

“Lavishing Love on Him”

I’ve been so preoccupied with the kids, I’ve not been giving enough attention to my hubby. He works so hard.  I wish he wouldn’t drink so much…..but i guess i understand why.  Sometimes i catch myself getting angry with him , and distancing myself just to punish him……this is sooo unfair and immature on my part.  So today i “touched” him every chance i got.  His response was that he missed having my full attention.  Gosh….had it been that long since i showed him any affection…..my poor hunny.  Tonight this is my prayer:    Dear God, help me to respect and reverence my husband…help me to always notice, regard, honor, prefer, and esteem him.  May i always praise him, love and admire him exceedingly.  May his heart trust in me confidently.  May he never have need of another.  I PROMISE TO COMFORT, ENCOURAGE, AND DO HIM GOOD AS LONG AS THERE IS LIFE WITHIN ME.   – teresa

IM DYING TO KNOW IF HE FOUND WHAT HE WAS LOOKING FOR.   10 YEARS LATER…….I WROTE “SEVEN TIMES SEVENTY SEVEN”  -jrn

PS….the fact that i promised is tearing me up!

DOUBLESPEAK

Before dinner:

“i love you…..you are so beautiful!  i just want to start over…..forget the past.  i want to cherish you….grow old with you”.

Steak served:

“Just don’t break my heart……  And trust me…i never cheated on you….she ment nothing to me.  I know what i have with you is good….your a good woman

After Dinner:

……………shut the fuck up…………..and im fucking you tonight…………..im NOT leaving………….im not making it easy for you……why should i……..i will drag out everything if you leave

In the morning:

I’m sorry…….i dont want to fight……im finished fighting with you………i want to start over forget the past

DOUBLESPEAK:                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          evasive, ambiguous language that is intended to deceive or confuse.

joy

imprisoned

We are products of our past, but we don’t have to be prisoners of it.  Rick Warren

He keeps asking me to forgive and forget the past.  He pleads that he wants the “old” me back.  I keep reminding him that hurts have shaped and formed who i have become…….cold, dark, and hard!  I feel that i am a product of OUR past. This is my greatest argument for wanting to walking away and refusing to let down the wall.  Besides the “old” me was naive….blind…..soft….ignorant….and weak!!!!  I REFUSE TO RETURN to be a nothing mousy housewife.  I know ive become bitter…….and i know the above quote is actually a call to FORGIVE!  He promises this is the last time…..  WHY did he wait until i jumped off the cliff?  All the nights i pleaded for change.  All the tears that i cried to him.  All the years i stood by and FORGAVE hurts.  All the prayers….All the hope…..All the love….ITS TOO LATE                                                                                                          im imprisoned

JRN

Second DAD

 Never underestimate a man who overestimates himself.  F.D.R.

Dad sent me a letter titled “PERSISTENT”  and in it was this quote by FDR.  My initial thought was “isn’t that a bit prideful?”  But when i continued reading the  letter……i realized that Dad was being inspired…..moved by his vision….to make something happen in his life.  MY DAD IS AWESOME!!!!!!!  He inspires me unlike no-one!!!!!  The core of who i am…. i give credit to this amazing man.  I thank God for placing him in my life…….he is not my biological father…yet we are tied at the heart.  I call him my “Second Dad”…although he deserves first place.  

And as old as i am he still signs every letter “love ya bunches little girl”.   

JRN

Reason…Season….Lifetime

A Friend Shared this with me today….He asked me to label him as one……I guess im a little confused, and scared at the meaning behind it all.  Nonetheless i was moved by its contents….      

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person. When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.

They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.

What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.

It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant. Thank you for being a part of my life, whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime.

Follow your heart??

Today i read something that i can’t shake………..

“The world says to follow your heart, but if you are not leading it, then someone or something else is.  The Bible says that, “the heart is more deceitful than all else” Jer. 17:9   THE HEART WILL ALWAYS PURSUE THAT WHICH FEELS RIGHT AT THE MOMENT.  GOD DOES THIS MAKE SENSE!!!!!!

I’ve always posed the question…..”Follow your heart or your head?”  For the first time in my life i’ve been challenged TO FOLLOW NEITHER!!!!!!  Not to follow, but to LEAD…..

JOY

DRAINED

DRAINED

EMOTIONALLY…..PHYSICALLY……MENTALLY………….

a good cup of coffee, laptop, journal, zune @the cafe

an ice cold slurpee, laptop, journal, zune @ the park

my mind is so whipped that i cant even decide where to go and SHUT DOWN….both are my “safe haven”.  The spot were i can breathe…..let go…..be ALONE.

JOY ROSE

FOREVER FRIENDS

A FRIEND LOVETH AT ALL TIMES  - PROVERBS 17:17

I have found who my real friends are lately.  You’d think an old lady like me would be a little more choosy or wise in the company she keeps.  And yet i have this passion (maybe flaw) for people. Im easily attached to EVERYONE i spend a little time with.   I cant help but love and respect them….regardless of differences…..regardless of race…..regardless of social class.  The problem is….most people don’t share my  passion.  I try not to get to bent out of shape about it anymore…….because i realize we are all created different……we all have different passions.  

The blessing in disguise is that i have stumbled upon some “forever friends”. The flip side is that they are few and rare.  In fact the “others” really shouldn’t be classified as “friends” but “acquaintances”.  Forever friends are just THERE all the time…..NO MATTER WHAT!!!  They walk the mile with you…..they never leave your side……NO MATTER THE COST!!!  Hell…they even CROSS THE LINE WITH YOU.  They are the only ones i allow close to my heart……..  

Tonight i THANK YOU GOD…for blessing me with the most amazing friends……i feel very fortunate to have them and you in my life!!!!!! JrN

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