What happened to me? I used to be such an optimist!!!!! I’ve become this ugly depressed “dark” person….I hate it!!! I want to be bright and sunny again….i want to look on the bright side again….I want to see the best in all people again!!!!! I want to be happy again!!!!
I choose from this day forward to be happy..bright…optimistic…….NO MATTER WHAT LIFE BRINGS MY WAY!!!!!!
WHAT IS IT THAT I DO THAT CAUSES HIM TO DRINK????????
DO I DRIVE HIM TO THIS? I DON’T UNDERSTAND????
I came home from work and found him drunk………………again!!!
He asked me to drop him off at an AA meeting ????????????
I just don’t understand ? Why would you go to an AA meeting drunk?
When i picked him up two hours later, and i swore he was more inebriatedthen when i dropped him off. In my mind i questioned how could this be possible………then as i pulled out of the parking lot i realized there was a bar that he frequents a block away. All the way home he kept telling me that i don’t realize how much he loves me…how he can’t live without me……how he just wants to take care of me. I feel so manipulated……….I so appreciate his words….but are they “truth”? And i truly believe we have different views on “love”
I HAVE TO STAY STRONG…..I CAN’T LOSE SIGHT OF THE GOAL…..I CAN’T GIVE IN……….I CAN’T LET ANYTHING HOLD ME BACK………..I HAVE TO KEEP MOVING FORWARD………..I KNOW I CAN!!!!!!!!
I always try to be open minded…..open to rebuke…..open to disipline…..open to others opinion. The bible says: “Open rebuke is better than secret love” (prov.27:5) AND ”As Iron sharpens iron, So one man sharpens another” (prov. 27:17) . So i received what a friend said to me knowing that the reproof was with love and for my own good.
“Even an “emotional tie” to another………..regardless of physical contact………………is still AN AFFAIR!!!!!!!!!”
I FEEL ABSOLUTELY NAKED!
ok…so i used another word that i wanted to look up and make sure i used it correctly
sadistically
i wasn’t sure of the real definition behind this word………….and i was astounded by the definition when i looked it up. it is derived from the word sadism which means:
after his sadistical act yesterday…..he apologized left and right, he kept telling me he loved me, that he wanted to take care of me, that he wanted to grow old with me, that he just wanted to cherish me. I don’t know how much more i can take!!!!!!!!
SCOFFER:
someone who jeers or mocks or treats something with contempt or calls out in derision
Yeah….i’m particular about the words i use….want to make sure i understand what they mean before i use them….anyhow the verse i found the other day had the word scoffer in it….and this verse really spoke to me…especially considering…i really need guidance……
LAST NIGHT:
The scoffer came home drunk….telling me how much he hated me….what a whore i was……that no man would ever put up with me or want me. ”Stupid B@#$” & “F@#$-ing whore” resounded in my ears for twenty minutes……..then he finally passed out. Jenna and Allycia lay sleeping between us through it all…thank god they didn’t hear or wake up!
THIS MORNING
At least he waited until i took the kids to the bus stop. I was surprised he was up so early considering i knew he had to be either still drunk or hung over. Nonetheless he was up…..and proceeded to pick up where he left off the night before. I was trying so hard to hurry, because i had to be at class at 8:00AM. I only had a half-hour to shower and pull myself together. He kept yelling for me to come downstairs….when i yelled down that i had school and i didn’t have time for this………he ran upstairs. He told me i could miss school…….and to give him some P@#$%! I refused and again told him i had to get ready for school, and that he was acting irrational. He defiantly said that i must be “giving it to someone else if i wasn’t giving it to him”……..besides he said “your nothing but a whore”, and proceeded to remind me of the letters and emails he found. ”You probably F@#$%-ed him too, cause you sure aren’t F@#$%^-ing me.” As i got out of the tub…he followed me downstairs right at my heels….demanding “Are you going to give me some or what?” I just got dressed mute……as i started to put on my make-up and hair……..he grabbed my make-up out of my hands, pulled my hair, then smacked me in the back of my head. ”Who you getting pretty for? You don’t do that for me?” ”What time are you coming home?” That was the breaking point——-Coming home???? I told him “Who in there right mind would want to come home to this—-this isn’t home—-its HELL ITSELF!!!!! Here i am tortured!!! He continued on…and on….and on…until i finally gave in and told him i’d be home at 12:30. He immediately calmed down and sadistically said “See…was that so hard….lets “do it” when you get home” . I hurriedly grabbed my books and purse got in the van and cried all the way to school. Of course pulled myself together once i got there……put on that mask…and hoped that this wasn’t a day that we get dissmissed early. Thank God it went the full four hours!!!!! When i pulled into the drive way at exactly 12:30………..i got this horrible ache in the pit of my stomach………i forced myself into the house………..and did my duty…in the midst of “the act” he whispered in my ear “come on do your thing….i’ll give you money….i’ll take you to lunch”. It was all i could do not to vomit!!! Am i a whore???? I have to keep reminding myself that, i have sexually been with one man since i was 17. That i have been faithful to that man with the exception (and i’m in no way making light or justifying my actions) of an emotional tie that i had with another married man. I NEVER SLEPT WITH HIM…….I NEVER TOUCHED HIM…….I NEVER HAD ANY PHYSICAL CONTACT WITH HIM!!!!!!!! I AM NOT A WHORE!!!!!!!
i’m afraid to leave him………..not just because of the physical threat (actually that doesn’t phase me anymore…i can take it….i’m used to it) He keeps threatening to hurt people that i’ve befriended, and i’m afraid that if i leave he will lash out on everyone and anyone close to me….JUST TO HURT ME!!!!! i hate the thought of those whom i care about being hurt or dragged into my drama. And in my mind i keep going over this stupid “list”:
1. What if this really is partly my fault
he repeatedly tells me that all of this is because of my infidelity ………DID I CHEAT??????
2. What if he really does eventually change
he swears that “this is it..he’s done drinking…done hitting me”
3. What if this really is “just a bump in our marriage”
his words not mine…..he states that all marriages have their problems…that i’m just over exaggerating
4. What if i just can’t provide for my kids
he only gives me money if i (behave) keep him happy
5. How is this going to effect my kids
the ultimate question…..actually it should be number one……i don’t really care what happens to me…….they are my heart………ALL THAT I CARE ABOUT IN THIS WORLD!!!!!!!!!!
today i opened my bible
its been a long time
lost faith in allot of things
trying to find that which i lost
i believe that God is all knowing. I told Him i was at a fork in the road, and wished he would show me the END to both paths…………I want so bad to know which way to go………..i NEED guarantees!!!!!! I’m sick of wasting my time. I want to fulfill my purpose………and i don’t want to do it half-assed! i want the best….i want my piece…… i don’t want to settle……..I’m not talking materialistically………….GOD NO!!!!! Money doesn’t buy happiness…………. i’m talking physically fit…..emotionally fit………mentally fit………NO, forget Fit I WANT BUFF! i want to be HAPPY AGAIN!!!!
The following is the verse that stuck:
Drive out a scoffer, and strife will go out: and quarreling and abuse will cease (Proverbs 22:10 ESV)
There once was a man
who had not one fan
(burned every bridge that he crossed)
He’d yell and he’d bark
his fists would make marks
(was a self proclaimed boss)
He’d break things in two
kick things with shoes
(and didn’t think it was much of a loss)
couldn’t keep the promise he made
content with the game being played
(Twenty years in the garbage he tossed)
JOY ROSE
Beginning life as a simple pine log, Pinocchio is given to a man called Maestro Ciliegia, who plans to carve him into a leg for his table. When he begins, however, a little voice cries, “No, you hurt me!” Disturbed by the talking log, Maestro Ciliegia continues to carve the piece of wood, when again the little voice wails its pain. Becoming frustrated and confused, Maestro Ciliegia eventually gives up trying to carve the wood
my heart is dark and black
odds against me stacked
ugly on the inside and out
my mind screams and shouts
no joy just sorrow
no hope for tomorrow
smiles that are fake
die for heaven sake
JOY ROSE
HE KEEPS TELLING ME HE LOVES ME HE KEEPS TELLING ME HE”S CHANGED
How can you love a woman, yet desire to touch another????????????????
Why would you berate someone you love??????????????????
Why would you choke the neck you should be rubbing???????????????
Why would you slap the face you should be caressing?????????????
Why would you kick the stomach that bore your children???????????
Why would you punch the lips you should be kissing????????????????
HE KEEPS TELLING ME TO FORGET HE KEEPS TELLING ME HE’S SORRY
In his defense, he has calmed down……….But its just not there anymore
THE LOVE HAS BEEN SLOWLY DRAINED OUT
