Auf Wiedersehen

{ May 29, 2009 @ 3:16 pm } · { Uncategorized }
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Today i leave this place of “misery”.  I refuse to stay here……I refuse to write here any longer.  Im closing this chapter……or better still this book.  I will NOT look back at these morbid and tainted pages.  “Out of sight…..Out of mind”!!!  I leave with the “prologue” to the next chronicle of my life:

                                                                                                                                                           -DANCE-

                                                                                                                                                 like no one is watching

                                                                                                                                                             -SING-

                                                                                                                                                 like no one is listening

                                                                                                                                                            -LOVE-

                                                                                                                                      like you’ve never been hurt before

                                                                                                                                                            -LIVE-

                                                                                                                                         like heaven begins tomorrow….

                                                                                unfortunately this is a bunch of bullshit…..and i will just enter ANOTHER place of misery  Teresa Elizabeth

too much

{ May 9, 2009 @ 4:06 am } · { My Realisms }
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My neighbor “Eston” died today……and im sooo emotional about it.  To top it all off  one of my girls (irene) at work was put on hospice care today.  When i walked into work and saw her slumped in the “blue chair”…..i lost it…..my emotions got the best of me.  IM MAD AT GOD TODAY….i dont understand!!!

What is the purpose of living if the end result is dying….oh god that sounded sooo stupid.  I guess im ticked…..i want a say in when….and how i die.  I’ve been raised to NEVER question Gods will.  BUT TODAY IM SCREAMING  “WHY”!!!!!!!!!!  I think maybe ive been around tooo much death….too much suffering….too much misery.  Im feining for light…for warmth….for the sun.  I NEED THE SUN TONIGHT!       JRN

the good…the bad…and the pigs

{ May 8, 2009 @ 2:56 pm } · { My Realisms }
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“all men are pigs….which i am the biggest one!” 

My friend who’s been through hell, was trying to give me “manly” advice!  His comment offended me to NO end.  I reminded him that he had three boys. I then immediately asked if he could say the same for them.  He retorted that he was trying to raise them NOT to fit the mold, but that some things are inevitable.  I refuse to believe that my boys are or will ever be “pigs”.  i also refuse to believe that “all men”  are pigs.  I have met tooo many “golden” men.  Mark being one of them……i am amazed at his view of himself.  Its true he’s made mistakes…costly mistakes…but to look at the core of who he is and what he’s about  is like seeing a whole other side.  I guess i really believe that all men are “good” or at least they begin life that way……

 …some (rise above and strive to) remain good…..some (suffer because of hurts) become bad……and some choose to be pigs.  -jrn

eve

{ May 7, 2009 @ 4:29 am } · { My Realisms }
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Dare to be great, without a guilty crown; View it, and lay the bright temptation down. –Dryden.

1.  something that seduces or has the quality to seduce 
2.  the desire to have or do something that you know you should avoid
3.  the act of influencing by exciting hope or desire

a gift from the gifted

{ May 5, 2009 @ 4:55 am } · { My Poems, My Heart }
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As I woke today
I thought of you..
This is nothing new

You fill my heart and head
with thoughts of bliss…….

To the world we are nothing new.
to each other like a pair of shoes 

Oh how I wait for the day
to step on your feet
to a sunday morning beat…..

the gifted

10 YEARS LATER

{ May 2, 2009 @ 5:09 am } · { My Realisms }
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He’s been going through my old journals, notes and poetry.  I guess looking to find proof of something?????  SO….my curiosity has been peaked, and i decided to drudge through some of the “old stuff” myself.  The following is a “majority” of my thoughts that he found:

MAY 9, 1999

“Lavishing Love on Him”

I’ve been so preoccupied with the kids, I’ve not been giving enough attention to my hubby. He works so hard.  I wish he wouldn’t drink so much…..but i guess i understand why.  Sometimes i catch myself getting angry with him , and distancing myself just to punish him……this is sooo unfair and immature on my part.  So today i “touched” him every chance i got.  His response was that he missed having my full attention.  Gosh….had it been that long since i showed him any affection…..my poor hunny.  Tonight this is my prayer:    Dear God, help me to respect and reverence my husband…help me to always notice, regard, honor, prefer, and esteem him.  May i always praise him, love and admire him exceedingly.  May his heart trust in me confidently.  May he never have need of another.  I PROMISE TO COMFORT, ENCOURAGE, AND DO HIM GOOD AS LONG AS THERE IS LIFE WITHIN ME.   – teresa

IM DYING TO KNOW IF HE FOUND WHAT HE WAS LOOKING FOR.   10 YEARS LATER…….I WROTE “SEVEN TIMES SEVENTY SEVEN”  -jrn

PS….the fact that i promised is tearing me up!

talking bird

{ April 29, 2009 @ 11:16 pm } · { music }
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“Talking Bird”    death cab cutie

Oh, my talking bird
Though you know so few words
They’re on infinite repeat
Like your brain can’t keep up with your beak

You’re kept in an open cage so you’re free to leave or stay
Sometimes you get confused
Like there’s a hint that I’m trying to give you

The longer you think the less you know what to do

It’s hard to see your way out
When you live in a house in a house
‘Cause you don’t realize
That the windows were open the whole time

Oh, my talking bird
Though your feathers are tattered and furled
I’ll love you all your days
‘Till the breathe leaves your delicate frame

It’s all here for you as long as you choose to stay…
It’s all here for you as long as you don’t fly away… 

                     only those who listen hear my song   jrn

DOUBLESPEAK

{ April 24, 2009 @ 1:35 pm } · { My Realisms }
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Before dinner:

“i love you…..you are so beautiful!  i just want to start over…..forget the past.  i want to cherish you….grow old with you”.

Steak served:

“Just don’t break my heart……  And trust me…i never cheated on you….she ment nothing to me.  I know what i have with you is good….your a good woman

After Dinner:

……………shut the fuck up…………..and im fucking you tonight…………..im NOT leaving………….im not making it easy for you……why should i……..i will drag out everything if you leave

In the morning:

I’m sorry…….i dont want to fight……im finished fighting with you………i want to start over forget the past

DOUBLESPEAK:                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          evasive, ambiguous language that is intended to deceive or confuse.

joy

Wise Woman

{ April 23, 2009 @ 6:16 am } · { My Realisms }
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“The mark of a Christian…they will walk the second mile and turn the other cheek…a wise woman gives the extra effort.”  John Maxwell

How i long to be this person (woman) again.        jrn

imprisoned

{ April 23, 2009 @ 5:51 am } · { My Realisms }
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We are products of our past, but we don’t have to be prisoners of it.  Rick Warren

He keeps asking me to forgive and forget the past.  He pleads that he wants the “old” me back.  I keep reminding him that hurts have shaped and formed who i have become…….cold, dark, and hard!  I feel that i am a product of OUR past. This is my greatest argument for wanting to walking away and refusing to let down the wall.  Besides the “old” me was naive….blind…..soft….ignorant….and weak!!!!  I REFUSE TO RETURN to be a nothing mousy housewife.  I know ive become bitter…….and i know the above quote is actually a call to FORGIVE!  He promises this is the last time…..  WHY did he wait until i jumped off the cliff?  All the nights i pleaded for change.  All the tears that i cried to him.  All the years i stood by and FORGAVE hurts.  All the prayers….All the hope…..All the love….ITS TOO LATE                                                                                                          im imprisoned

JRN

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