Auf Wiedersehen

{ May 29, 2009 @ 3:16 pm } · { Uncategorized }
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Today i leave this place of “misery”.  I refuse to stay here……I refuse to write here any longer.  Im closing this chapter……or better still this book.  I will NOT look back at these morbid and tainted pages.  “Out of sight…..Out of mind”!!!  I leave with the “prologue” to the next chronicle of my life:

                                                                                                                                                           -DANCE-

                                                                                                                                                 like no one is watching

                                                                                                                                                             -SING-

                                                                                                                                                 like no one is listening

                                                                                                                                                            -LOVE-

                                                                                                                                      like you’ve never been hurt before

                                                                                                                                                            -LIVE-

                                                                                                                                         like heaven begins tomorrow….

                                                                                unfortunately this is a bunch of bullshit…..and i will just enter ANOTHER place of misery  Teresa Elizabeth

too much

{ May 9, 2009 @ 4:06 am } · { My Realisms }
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My neighbor “Eston” died today……and im sooo emotional about it.  To top it all off  one of my girls (irene) at work was put on hospice care today.  When i walked into work and saw her slumped in the “blue chair”…..i lost it…..my emotions got the best of me.  IM MAD AT GOD TODAY….i dont understand!!!

What is the purpose of living if the end result is dying….oh god that sounded sooo stupid.  I guess im ticked…..i want a say in when….and how i die.  I’ve been raised to NEVER question Gods will.  BUT TODAY IM SCREAMING  “WHY”!!!!!!!!!!  I think maybe ive been around tooo much death….too much suffering….too much misery.  Im feining for light…for warmth….for the sun.  I NEED THE SUN TONIGHT!       JRN

the good…the bad…and the pigs

{ May 8, 2009 @ 2:56 pm } · { My Realisms }
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“all men are pigs….which i am the biggest one!” 

My friend who’s been through hell, was trying to give me “manly” advice!  His comment offended me to NO end.  I reminded him that he had three boys. I then immediately asked if he could say the same for them.  He retorted that he was trying to raise them NOT to fit the mold, but that some things are inevitable.  I refuse to believe that my boys are or will ever be “pigs”.  i also refuse to believe that “all men”  are pigs.  I have met tooo many “golden” men.  Mark being one of them……i am amazed at his view of himself.  Its true he’s made mistakes…costly mistakes…but to look at the core of who he is and what he’s about  is like seeing a whole other side.  I guess i really believe that all men are “good” or at least they begin life that way……

 …some (rise above and strive to) remain good…..some (suffer because of hurts) become bad……and some choose to be pigs.  -jrn

eve

{ May 7, 2009 @ 4:29 am } · { My Realisms }
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Dare to be great, without a guilty crown; View it, and lay the bright temptation down. –Dryden.

1.  something that seduces or has the quality to seduce 
2.  the desire to have or do something that you know you should avoid
3.  the act of influencing by exciting hope or desire

a gift from the gifted

{ May 5, 2009 @ 4:55 am } · { My Poems, My Heart }
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As I woke today
I thought of you..
This is nothing new

You fill my heart and head
with thoughts of bliss…….

To the world we are nothing new.
to each other like a pair of shoes 

Oh how I wait for the day
to step on your feet
to a sunday morning beat…..

the gifted

10 YEARS LATER

{ May 2, 2009 @ 5:09 am } · { My Realisms }
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He’s been going through my old journals, notes and poetry.  I guess looking to find proof of something?????  SO….my curiosity has been peaked, and i decided to drudge through some of the “old stuff” myself.  The following is a “majority” of my thoughts that he found:

MAY 9, 1999

“Lavishing Love on Him”

I’ve been so preoccupied with the kids, I’ve not been giving enough attention to my hubby. He works so hard.  I wish he wouldn’t drink so much…..but i guess i understand why.  Sometimes i catch myself getting angry with him , and distancing myself just to punish him……this is sooo unfair and immature on my part.  So today i “touched” him every chance i got.  His response was that he missed having my full attention.  Gosh….had it been that long since i showed him any affection…..my poor hunny.  Tonight this is my prayer:    Dear God, help me to respect and reverence my husband…help me to always notice, regard, honor, prefer, and esteem him.  May i always praise him, love and admire him exceedingly.  May his heart trust in me confidently.  May he never have need of another.  I PROMISE TO COMFORT, ENCOURAGE, AND DO HIM GOOD AS LONG AS THERE IS LIFE WITHIN ME.   – teresa

IM DYING TO KNOW IF HE FOUND WHAT HE WAS LOOKING FOR.   10 YEARS LATER…….I WROTE “SEVEN TIMES SEVENTY SEVEN”  -jrn

PS….the fact that i promised is tearing me up!

The Rose

{ May 2, 2009 @ 3:27 am } · { My Poems, My Heart }
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Soft and beautiful as a dove

Lovely red full of love

Open petals like arms with much to give

Nothing but goodness, the life you lived

Deep green stem, tender yet strong

Forgiving pain from the thorns of wrong

Sweet smelling fragrance that filled my life

Always standing by my side wrong or right

As the rose fell to the ground

I heard your voice in a whisper sound

“I love you” you said in your kind way

And in my heart I heard me say

“I love you too, but I’ll let you go

and each time the soft winds blow

I’ll remember you’re resting in a better place

with that precious smile adorning your face”!

To: JO (the rose)….i miss you forever

TERESA ELIZABETH MARTINEZ 2000

This one is heartbreaking! Not just because i miss her soo much…..but if she knew the condition of our marriage…i know she would be distraught and torn.  I watched her live through the EXACT cycle that I am caught up in. She witnessed him hit me twice…and warned him to be good to me….or he’d lose me.   He swore he’d never be like his Dad…he swore his moms heartbreak wouldn’t be mine.  God i hate to say it…..but i’m kind-of glad she’s not here to see what we’ve become.  Rest in Peace Jo……i love you forever  -jrn

A Mothers Legacy

{ May 2, 2009 @ 2:38 am } · { My Poems, My Heart }
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The first was of her own flesh and blood….and stole her heart

A close bond that coulldn’t be broken, a best friend from the start

A second was given when she took “Daddy’s” hand in marriage

she tolerated a teen…missed the time to rock the carriage

When i said “i do” i received guidance from another

I received the love of my husbands precious mother

How blessed i am with three…but their is one more

Close to my heart is mother number four

Grandmother, well i cant say enough about

She spoiled me good, bad…and even when i’d pout

I AM A WOMAN now a mother beginning her own legacy

I was blessed on “Mother’s Day” and dressed her in pink and fancy

Now that i’ve begun my own motherly climb

I look back with gratitude to those who are behind

Each taught me to bake, sew, and care for young

Each taught me the lullabies that their mothers sung

But more important than all the above

I was trained in the Lord, and His everlasting love

Because of their righteous stand  blessing are bestowed

It moves me beyond my own complacent mode

 So…now I arise and call them “Blessed”

Gratefully thanking them for giving me their best.

Teresa Elizabeth Martinez 1999

I wrote this ten years ago for a “Mother’s Day” brunch that i was asked to speak at…..I was 28……….WHO IS THIS WOMAN??????????

THIS MAN

{ May 1, 2009 @ 12:53 am } · { My Realisms }
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SWEPT WITH GUILT……..FOR NOT GIVING HONOR WHERE HONOR IS DUE!!!!!!

I read my  post  ”second dad” and was absolutely ridden with guilt.   NO ONE could EVER replace  “MY real DAD” or take his place (1st that is).  Even though he is not speaking to me…..i hold him soo very dear to my heart. 

THIS MAN is a PART OF ME….FLESH AND BLOOD….HEART AND SOUL

This man spanked me ONCE in my lifetime…….I was such a BRAT when i was with him….he tolerated soo much

This man cried ONCE (that i can remember) when he found that there was infidelity between my grandparents and they were divorcing

This man allowed me to love my mother regardless of the hurt and pain that she dealt him……..he NEVER has spoke an ill word about her

This man overcame an alcohol addiction and saved his marriage to my second mom

This man taught me every FIVE (or more) SYLLABLE word i know

This man never showed weakness….and taught me to stay in control of my emotions

This man is the man i never wanted to leave on Sunday when his visitation was over

This man is and always will be “the apple of my eye”

i love you dad  -jrn

talking bird

{ April 29, 2009 @ 11:16 pm } · { music }
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“Talking Bird”    death cab cutie

Oh, my talking bird
Though you know so few words
They’re on infinite repeat
Like your brain can’t keep up with your beak

You’re kept in an open cage so you’re free to leave or stay
Sometimes you get confused
Like there’s a hint that I’m trying to give you

The longer you think the less you know what to do

It’s hard to see your way out
When you live in a house in a house
‘Cause you don’t realize
That the windows were open the whole time

Oh, my talking bird
Though your feathers are tattered and furled
I’ll love you all your days
‘Till the breathe leaves your delicate frame

It’s all here for you as long as you choose to stay…
It’s all here for you as long as you don’t fly away… 

                     only those who listen hear my song   jrn

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